new beginning

I realise I’ve been off for a massive amount of time. For almost four years I spent my time in the loving comfort of a man I thought would love me forever, I married him, only to hear on my sister’s (BFF) wedding he was in love with someone else three months after we were wedded, my life changed very quickly and I’m now most nights alone with my keypad and an empty glass of spirit that needs toping up. And if I have the money it’s filled.

The next few weeks will be filled with moving on and exciting missions no doubt.

Settled

Eventually after a lot of rubbish and confusion I have finally settled and am sitting at my computer writing. It's taken a while.
Postal Service beat through the speakers, I have a wee hangover and have spent an evening asphyxiating on bleach.
After leaving my wonderful life in Liverpool and moving back to the emotional trenches of beautiful Suffolk, I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't care what the next step is and should just enjoy the moment.
Went to my Grandma's and we watched a brilliant programme called 'My Life as a Turkey'.
Don't let the name fool you, it was cracking. The scientist involved says that wild turkeys are always in the moment and he learnt how to never betray that by thinking of the future.
This statement made a lot of sense.

Currantly I am looking for a job and am stressing about my marriage. Will it survive? I hope so. I'm going to Edinburgh to see him this weekend. Who knows what could happen in the small time we have with each other. I know it's the longest time we've spent together since the split.

But I shouldn't stress. I should just get on with writing. My siblings and a group of friends are putting together a magazine. Very early stages. So I don't want to say anything too soon. I know I'm working on a graphic novel idea that will go into it. I also am going to do some reviews and features on new, underground poets/writers. Today is about persuing them.

I need a team of writers to help but I'm struggling to find any willing to do so. I'll keep on trucking. Gonna make this work.

Babies and Cigarettes

Every one's growing up.
Does no one else fear this? I do every day. I never wanted to grow up, I wanted to go to Neverland with Peter Pan. Cunt never came for me.

I know a few who are pregnant or already have babies.
Not that I've talked to them about it, the wonders of facebook. You can care about someone without them ever knowing.
What would be the reason for entering someones life again other than your own selfish nosiness?
I used to be really broody. In the first year of my relationship. I was so desperate to have a baby. There is still a sense deep down, under the never wanting to give up cigarettes, booze, partying, careering.
Babies would ruin mine and mark's life, without a doubt.
But when I see these people on facebook who I know with babies or are pregnant I feel such a sick pang of jealousy. It makes me very angry very quickly.
Which is stupid? Right?
I know that I want more than anything in this world to be a published, successful and free writer, to play music, paint and knit in my spare time.
Babies would fuck all that up. I wouldn't be able to adventure.

I look at all the friends I have now, they are ambitious and feisty and don't ever want to be anchored by a baby. I feel happy and uncomfortable when I think of them, my life in a nutshell.
So apart from the girls with their babies and secured homes.
I hate being a woman. I know mark doesn't have this pang. I know most men don't have this maternal pang of doom (of course some may I'm not generalising totally).

So to get my mind off it I'll plan my attack on the governments new plan for outcasting smokers.
They're gonna put cigarettes under counters, out of site, in blank packets (no image, insignia or text) as off April next year.
Way to make smokers feel punished.

Sick Days.

And what is the expected routine of a sick day?
Well the time inbetween your head throbbing, stomach aching (hunger and sickness), listening to your flatmates jibber their loudest and bang around on the floor above you whilst screetching stupid fucking noises, trips to the toilet to wee out all the water your hoping will make you better and being the bitterest, nastiest tempered person alive... you watch Hellboy and read Fances Osbourne.

And if these don't work you try to sleep through the racket and dream of living in the middle of nowhere, lying in a bed that didn't break 2 weeks ago so you've had to resort to the matress again, eating nice food and not just the half emptied, cold box of free takeaway noodles next to your 'not bed'.

Seriously I'm just short tempered, at least I have an understanding boss, who doesn't chastise me for not coming to work when my had has (metaphorically) fallen off.
Mark unfortunately is at work and in a job that he hates.
Sorry babe.

Day off.

So named 'Days Off' are meant to be relaxing, get the menial tasks you've needed to do, done. They are meant to carry a certain amount of activity in. Maybe a walk or a trip into town, but no more than what is comfortable. Some people just spend all day in bed, watching shit, eating crap. Some people read all day, or play games. Days off are important for your mind, body and attitude. How ever much you put your fingers in your ears and sing loudly, you can't deny that a little R and R is essential to carry on.

Too many people I love dearly stick their fingers in their ears.
Growing up with parents who never stopped. Ever. Workaholics and stress heads.
A (soon to be) husband who will brutalise himself if he has a second off working.
And now a best friend who has hospitalised herself.
I realise this mind frame, I have it but I have vices that help me chill, knitting and drinking among them.

Stress is a killer and I get angry when people damage themselves.
So calm the fuck down everyone.
Things will continue with or without you damaging yourself.

Another Hangover

The title explains it all.
I've been pondering on many things today. Will the Hulk with Edward Norton be any better than the Hulk with Eric Banana? Will a fish finger sandwich cure me of this hangover? How will I tell my friends that I have no money to drink with them tonight and not get the stink eye from them? Will I watch them plunge their hands in their pockets and sigh?
Questions that won't answered until they are experienced.
The only answer I can find now is that Twitter is a bigger shit container. At least on facebook you see photography, on my space you hear music, blogs you read fiction. And twitter? It's one liners that no one wanted to know in the first place. It's 150 characters of shit, (or whatever the required writing space is).
People keep adding me, I haven't written anything on it for a months.

Subject of today. Minecraft. A fascinating world which creators can expand beyond their own map making ablilites.
I thought it was geeky and shit to begin with. Block people with block trees and block mud, but I'm finding it ever more addicive to watch on YOGSCAST. A youtube commentary of two nerd explorers who have a wonderful imagination and are fully ready to acknowledge how nerdy they are, which makes it very fun to watch.

Tired from traveling for hours to and from work. Sick of noodles for lunch but have a day at home tomorrow. Not my own day mind. A day of typing and converting 1930-50's knitting patterns. Hard, arduios work, but the end result will be cracking. So worth it all in the end.

No result without effort.