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I've graduated from Liverpool John Moores studying Imaginative writing. Been trying to figure out what's next. I was told by higher powers to make my own hole and not try to fit into anyone else's. That's what I plan to do.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Babies and Cigarettes

Every one's growing up.
Does no one else fear this? I do every day. I never wanted to grow up, I wanted to go to Neverland with Peter Pan. Cunt never came for me.

I know a few who are pregnant or already have babies.
Not that I've talked to them about it, the wonders of facebook. You can care about someone without them ever knowing.
What would be the reason for entering someones life again other than your own selfish nosiness?
I used to be really broody. In the first year of my relationship. I was so desperate to have a baby. There is still a sense deep down, under the never wanting to give up cigarettes, booze, partying, careering.
Babies would ruin mine and mark's life, without a doubt.
But when I see these people on facebook who I know with babies or are pregnant I feel such a sick pang of jealousy. It makes me very angry very quickly.
Which is stupid? Right?
I know that I want more than anything in this world to be a published, successful and free writer, to play music, paint and knit in my spare time.
Babies would fuck all that up. I wouldn't be able to adventure.

I look at all the friends I have now, they are ambitious and feisty and don't ever want to be anchored by a baby. I feel happy and uncomfortable when I think of them, my life in a nutshell.
So apart from the girls with their babies and secured homes.
I hate being a woman. I know mark doesn't have this pang. I know most men don't have this maternal pang of doom (of course some may I'm not generalising totally).

So to get my mind off it I'll plan my attack on the governments new plan for outcasting smokers.
They're gonna put cigarettes under counters, out of site, in blank packets (no image, insignia or text) as off April next year.
Way to make smokers feel punished.

1 comment:

  1. Baby my heart pours out to you....I'm trying hard to catch up on lost time and came across this post...made me sad, but also made me realise a little more about my little girl :-) There is time Daisy, you have as few crazy years ahead of you and the trend is to have children later rather than earlier. I always thought have children early would mean a free and easy middle age, how VERY VERY wrong was I!! Not that I'm complaining you know. When the time is right you will know, and I'm sure that Mark will be a lot like most men in this situation, not longing to become a father but enjoying ever minute of it when it happens. All my love Dad xx